From the Mouth of Mariah / Your Friday Funnies

The Hilarious Mariah Rutter
The Hilarious Mariah Rutter

This may be the last you hear from me because I’m pretty sure that Mariah is going to kill me for releasing these statements. As most of you know, she’s absolutely HILARIOUS! I have been secretly writing down just a small bit of her funny comments for everyone to get a good laugh. If you all don’t hear from me for a few days, it’ll be because she didn’t take it to well and I’m in the dog house. Either way, I think once you read how funny these comments are that you’ll know it was worth the trouble I could get in and the punishment I may suffer. 😉

Captain Planet
Captain Planet

August 21, 2014

This morning Mariah told me:

“I had really crazy dreams last night again! I dreamt about Captain Planet and this key that I had to get to that was in the foot of a Care Bear.”

 

Muppets "Life's A Happy Song"
Muppets “Life’s A Happy Song”

August 20, 2014

Mariah called me this morning and said, “I just want to let you know that I am a really good mood this morning. I don’t know if it was the meal replacement shake I just had or what, but I am so happy right now. If I had a theme song it would be a mash up between Pharrell’s “Happy” and The Muppets’s “Life’s A Happy Song.”

 

Life’s a Happy Song (The Muppet Movie) from Roman Media on Vimeo.

 

August 19, 2014

MARIAH: “I’m really freaked out right now.”

ME: “Why?”

MARIAH: “I don’t know. I looked at my arm too long and started thinking about the skeletal system.”

Throat Chop
Throat Chop

August 18, 2014

Mariah and I were talking about an old funny story of mine from law school and she said:

“You were a bully. Here’s the thing. You’re not going to bully me.”

ME: There is no “thing.”

MARIAH: “Yeah, that’s the thing. You’re not gonna bully me because I’ll throat chop you. You better watch yourself mister.”

Expecting Mothers Parking Sign
Expecting Mothers Parking Sign

August 17, 2014

Pulling into church…

MARIAH: “Awe man! Don’t they have a reserved expecting mother spot!?”

The Hunger Games
The Hunger Games

Leaving the gun range…
“I’m telling you, I will learn how to shoot a crossbow. I want to be ready for the hunger games. This whole world is like the hunger games. The ones that aren’t prepared as victors are the ones that die. I’m going to teach myself to climb a tree… with my bare hands… with no branches.”

 

Stinky Feet Smell
Stinky Feet Smell

July 27, 2014

ME: “What is that smell!? Is that your feet?

MARIAH: “Maybe?”

ME: “It smells like vinegar! It is your feet!”

MARIAH: “Yeah, I clean my feet with vinegar.”

 

Million Dollar Bill
Million Dollar Bill

June 27, 2014

MARIAH: “When are you going to give me a million dollars?”

ME: “A million dollars?”

MARIAH: “Yeah. We’ve been married a month and a half. That’s my monthly rate. So I’m actually giving you a break.”

Acid Reflux
Acid Reflux

June 26, 2014

ME: “Did you eat chocolate?”

MARIAH: “No. That’s from the car (hour ago). I had that AdvoBar.”

ME: “I smell it.”

MARIAH: “Acid reflux for the win!”

The Best Offense Is A Good Defense
The Best Offense Is A Good Defense

June 22, 2014

MARIAH: “Sometimes I find the best defense is to go on the offense and let you kiss me.”

ME: “What? That’s not an offense.”

MARIAH: “I don’t know. I don’t know what either of those terms mean.”

Eating Hair
Eating Hair

JUNE 20, 2014

MARIAH: “If anyone tries to kidnap me I’m going to eat my own hair.”

ME: “WHAT!?”

MARIAH: “Yeah, so they’ll think I’m crazy.”

You're A Good Man Charlie Brown
You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown

JUNE 19, 2014

MARIAH: “You’re a good man Charlie Brown.”

ME: “We’ve already been over this. It’s James.”

MARIAH: “Sorry. Short term memory problems. You’re a good man James Brown.”

 

Come At Me Bro Ant Eater
Come At Me Bro Ant Eater

JUNE 8, 2014

As Mariah gets ready to get out of bed, I wanted to show her something on my phone and said:

ME: “Wait, I want to show you something.”

MARIAH: “I want to show YOU something! You are wearing the shirt I went to bed in.”

ME: “You mean MY shirt?”

MARIAH: “COME AT ME BRO!”

 

I hope you all enjoyed Mariah’s hilarious comments! I’ll be keeping a list of the upcoming ones (and I’m sure they’ll be more) so that I can share them with you all.  I’m certain now that I have the funniest wife known to man. Like i said, this is a list of just SOME of the funny things she has said since I began keeping track. Half of the time I’m laughing to hard to remember to write them down. Make sure you FOLLOW this blog by subscribing on the right so you’ll get her funny comment updates!

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